Mine is the life of a mustached man, and I couldn’t be more blessed. Or burdened. For you see, this magnificent mouth brow opens doors, breaks ice, and makes me memorable to people I forget. While there is little doubt you are one of millions who would give it all up for the chance to spend a day wearing my whiskers, the mustache code demands I share my knowledge so that when you step out into the sun, my lipholstery adorning you like a debutante’s dress at her first cotillion, you will be prepared for the 8 types of people you meet:
- Risk Takers
The night is late when these fool-born fopdoodles lean forward to try and touch your crumb catcher. Their breath, boozy and full of blight, sends stink signals that make you wiggle your nose, and it never occurs to them that you may not want their fingers fondling your fuzz. Or perhaps it does. Perhaps that adds to the thrill.
It is one question after another when you cross paths with this breed of knot-pated numbskull. “How long have you been growing it?” “Is that its real color?” “Does your wife like it? <wink wink.>” And do not for one solitary moment think they care about the answers. If they did, they would clam their yam holes and let you respond.
They stand staring deep into your glory and think they see the upper lip of God. You ask if they have ever tried to grow a mustache of their own, if they have ever stopped shaving to see what happened. Of course not, they reply. They could never do what you did. You smile and move on. If they do not have the will to grow one, they do not have the right to show one.
These cream-faced loons believe themselves slick by pretending to look at their phones, but you know better. You see their eyes dart from their screen to your face and back again. You stare and smile, because why not? You are the one with the premium soup strainer, so flaunt your tail feathers, you majestic peacock.
- Overt Admirers
They stare for the entire train ride, elevator trip, or walk down the block. Their eyes never leave your face, but these milk-livered minnows won’t acknowledge your knowing nod because it is not you they care about. They are in love with your dirt squirrel. The rest of you may as well not even exist.
- Deer in the Headlights
These fustilarian fellows freeze up good when you come around the corner with your lip lights shining. They are captured, caught, and shocked into staring until their eyes and brain get on the same page about looking away. More often than not, they can’t go more than two steps without turning their head back for seconds.
- Interrupted Diners
Take pity on these poor clapper-clawed clotpoles. All they want is to eat a nice meal, but then you sit with that big fluffy lip sweater and take a bite that is half hamburger and half hair. It is a spectacle beyond anything they’ve ever seen. For the rest of the day, they will picture you sticking a finger into your food-filled-mouth to pull out the single strands of ‘stache that are stuck between your teeth.
- The Narcissist
This fair fellow makes an appearance each and every day. He shows up in mirrors, windows, and your phone’s black screen and selfie cam, and you are powerless to avoid stealing glances whenever he appears. He is dashing. He is handsome. You love his mouth merkin and you love that the rest of the world does, too.
Is my list complete? Are there people I’ve missed, or perhaps there’s someone I’ve unfairly identified? Please, for the love of Selleck, tell me in the comments below.