Today isn’t going to be a post about Oil Pulling. My neck still hurts and I had to use my inhaler last night, both of which are making me wonder what, if any, toxins are actually being drawn from my body. So instead of focusing on the swish, I’m going to spend the next twenty minutes letting my mind wander to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Let’s pretend I’m asking Darth Vader a question that has been floating around since my formative years:
Let me start by saying I’m a huge fan. I love the cape, respect your position as Supreme Commander in Chief of the Empire, and, lest we forget (which we never will), you’re a Sith Lord.
That makes you part of an elite line of Force wielders so entirely bad ass that they made The Rule of Two, a law controlling how many of you could be in the galaxy at the same time. I agree; the name is lazy and unimaginative, but it tells us just how powerful and awesome you are.
While I’m jealous you get chauffeured around in a Super Star Destroyer, and I wish my Rav4 could get me to the Outer Rim territories as easily as your TIE Advanced x1, I want you to know I’m not just another Force fluffer writing to get your autograph. I’m here with a question. I’m here for help.
My friends give me grief for taking your side. They don’t understand how I could stand up for a guy who spearheaded the Palpatine Purge and betrayed his Jedi brothers and sisters. But that’s exactly why I’ve got your back. A guy who’s so good with the Force that he nearly wipes out every other person who uses it? That’s some Sith right there, and it’s a level of badassery I can defend.
Where they get me, though, is the Force Choke. You, Darth Vader, one of only two Sith Lords in the entire galaxy, can go into the office and Force Choke a man to death without worrying about repercussions.
You choke Admiral Motti in front of the Death Star’s high command, and no one says you’re in the wrong.
Admiral Ozzel comes out of hyperspace too close to the Hoth system and alerts the rebels to your presence. What’s a Sith to do? No questions asked, and without even being in the same room as the guy, you Force Choke him dead in front of Captain Piett, name the Captain your new Admiral, and share a not-so-veiled threat about what will happen if he doesn’t man up.
There are no calls from HR. No one suggests you attend anger management meetings or guarantee Piett’s safety in the workplace. Everyone just puts their head down and keeps working.
This brings us to the scenario that spurred this letter.
It’s the Battle of Yavin. Thirty rebel ships, so small they evade the Death Star’s turbo lasers, hum across the surface and take runs down the trench. You hop in your fighter and start blasting them out of existence like you’re swatting bugs in the August heat.
Then Luke, Biggs, and Porkins drop into the trench for their attempt at knocking the Death Star out of commission . You follow. You have no problem killing Porkins or damaging Biggs’ ship enough to make him abandon his wingman post. When it’s time to secure laser lock on the lead ship, though, you struggle.
Why did you even bother with the targeting computer?
Why didn’t you just Force Choke a bitch?
I tell my friends it’s because you refused to kill your own spawn. You could have if you wanted to, but you had plans to rule the galaxy as father and son.
They shake their heads and say you didn’t know Luke was in the cockpit. You were just chasing a random rebel pilot aiming his proton torpedoes at the small thermal exhaust port right below the main port. Besides, they say, you DID try to take him out. You just weren’t successful.
It hurts to admit this, but they’re right. You were totally going for the kill. I don’t understand why you’d Force choke the cashier at your supermarket for putting bread and eggs in the same bag as cans of tomato sauce, but you wouldn’t even lift a hand off your ship’s control yoke at such a pivotal moment.
My friends say it’s because you can only Force choke someone if you see them. How can that be? How is it possible that a Sith Lord, the man who nearly wiped out the galaxy’s entire collection of Jedi, would be hamstrung by such a silly limitation? Surely the maker gave more thought to this than he did Jar Jar Binks..
Fill me in here, Darth. Tell me what I should tell my friends when they point out this huge hole in the Vader power story. You’ve got to give me something, because I look pretty stupid when I stop using words and start trying to choke them from across the room.
Twenty minutes are up. It’s time to spit and face the day.